


Secret Kingdom of the Monkey God

by MrProphet



Category: Sam & Max
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-22
Updated: 2017-04-22
Packaged: 2018-10-22 12:03:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10696623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrProphet/pseuds/MrProphet





	Secret Kingdom of the Monkey God

The band of men stood in the lichgate, denying the passage to those standing outside.

“Stand firm,” their leader said. “We don’t want his type buried up here.”

“What is wrong with our type?” one of the outsiders asked. “We have paid for the burial.”

The priest stepped out from the gateway. “We don’t want no clowns in this graveyard,” he said firmly. “You won’t even get the undertakers to drive on up here.”

His green-haired opponent frowned. “You think you can push us around forever because we are few and you are many,” he said, “but we have appealed for any good men or women to help us. Someone kindly soul will bring the body and then…”

The long blast of a horn ripped through the cool morning air and, with a mighty engine roar a hearse leaped over the crest of the hill. The wheels span as it touched down, the impact almost dislodging the driver and passenger from their positions on the roof. With a deft flick of his foot, the driver aimed the car straight at the lichgate.

“Gangway!” he yelled, and the crowd of vergers and church councillors scattered before him.

“After him!” the priest roared.

The passenger turned his enormous melony head to look at their pursuers. “I think those Christians are thinking most unchristian thoughts of us, Sam,” he said.

“That so, little buddy? I guess we’d better keep ahead of them until they rediscover their sense of charity.” He dug in his pocket. “Here; throw them a copy of the Bible to refresh their memories.”

Max snatched the heavy hardback from Sam’s paw and spun in place on the roof of the hearse. “Eat this!” he whooped and flung the book with all his might; it took an angry little old lady right between the eyes and sent her spinning into a memorial column.

“Now I know why they call it a good book!” Max declared.

“You crack me up, little buddy,” Sam assured him. “Hard right coming up,” he added as he slewed between the gravestones.

For several minutes they weaved and dodged to keep ahead of the crowd, before at last being cornered in the pet cemetery, between headstones labelled ‘Cujo’ and ‘Thomasina’. Sam eyed the latter critically. “Well, that’s obscure,” he commented.

“We… won’t… let… you… bury… that… clown… here,” the priest puffed.

“What clown?” Sam demanded.

“The… clown… in… that… hearse.”

“Oh, there’s no clown in here,” Max assured him.

“Hey, now I remember,” Sam said. “There was a coffin in the back there, but I started up so fast it fell out on the sidewalk. Bunch of guys in wigs put in the back of that VW Bug.”

“That Bug there,” Max added, pointing to the remains of the lichgate. “You can just see them unloading it now. It’s the most uncanny thing I’ve ever seen.”

“If only this were an adventure in our usual sequential art style instead of plain text,” Sam sighed.

“Stop… them!” Wearily, the priest and his followers stumbled back towards the gate.

“Gee, Sam; that was fun.”

“Sure was, Max, but in all the excitement I lost track of the perp we were chasing. Which way did he go when he came in here?”

“He didn’t come in here,” Max replied.

“You said you saw him?”

“That’s right. I said ‘I see where he’s gone. Drive through the crowd of moody-looking meanies outside that graveyard.’ He turned left; I just thought this would be more fun.”

“Satan himself shudders at the prospect of your eventual demise, Max,” Sam sighed. “Oh well; I guess we lost him. Let’s go get some popcorn and roaches.”

Together, the two friends sauntered out of the cemetery. At the grave side, the clowns were delivering a savage beating to the exhausted parishioners.

“All the same,” Max sighed, “I do feel as though we’ve done something good here today. Perhaps because of us, these people who were once enemies will discover how much they have in common.”

“Your innocent joy in the goodness of humanity is touching to behold.” Sam casually picked up a shovel and clocked a tenacious-looking sexton behind the ear. “Last one down the hill buys the roaches.”


End file.
